then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
