No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
