Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
