WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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