Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
