so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
