She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize