it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The air was thick with penises
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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