I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
