What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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