Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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