She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
