I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
