Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
