No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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