i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
