what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Four minutes until I can fart!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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