i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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