i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
