Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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