mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
whose parrot is this?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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