The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
