Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
