I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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