I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
