Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
