And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
