a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
