And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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