Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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