I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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