Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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