i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
