Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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