I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
