This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
