You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
