I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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