It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think people are normalizing furries
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
