I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
