I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
