70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
