I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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