yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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