I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm getting married
To pizza
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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