I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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