Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
