he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
