I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize