All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
