the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
