he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize