I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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