i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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