Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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