Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
