The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
