I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
50% drunk capacity currently
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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