watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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