You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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