the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Randomize
