I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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