I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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