I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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