We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
