I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
