Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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