I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I fill condoms, not promises.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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