when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Of course I have a pirate flag
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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