The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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