Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
