If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
